This time 4 years ago I remember thinking to myself ‘So Max starts school in September 2018. That’s so far away’. Yet in two days my son starts reception. I know it’s so cliché but it seriously feels like yesterday I laboured and out popped a 10lbs 8oz baby. Ok so it wasn’t that easy but you get the gist. Time is such a funny thing because when you’re in the moment you feel like you have all the time in the world and with a blink of an eye you’ve fast forward four years and you’re there with two children, buying uniforms, shoes and lunch boxes. How? Why?!
I have so many regrets when it comes to Max not so much with Emmie because I was an experienced mum when she came along. (I’m going to start crying writing this bit because this part hurts. Like heart being pulled out of chest hurt) After what was one of THE worst births, I felt battered and bruised and to top it all off the pressure I felt to breastfeed was just so intense I just burrowed away at home with my baby. When all the other mums were sipping coffee in coffee shops I was at home trying to figure out how to stop a baby that just wouldn’t stop crying. (I look back now and just don’t get why I was so scared to leave the house just in case he would cry! Babies cry) When all the mums were at baby classes I would go but then rush home because I was scared I would fuck something up and all hell would let loose, I just hated the feeling of being judged. I wish I had soaked up every ‘baby’ moment with him and relished the time I had and said ‘Fuck you’ to the looks, stares and unwanted advice. I just wished and wished his life away.
Now I don’t want this post to be all woes me because the toddler days with Max were some of the best days of my life. Motherhood was becoming easier, the breastfeeding/formula debacle was well and truly over and I found myself left with this amazing little human being. The most caring, charismatic child, a child who looked up to me as his everything. The world was quite literally our oyster. We did everything together, from early mornings walks in the park, coffee and the crucial gingerbread man runs, meeting up with friends for play dates and had so many laughs and giggles I used to pee myself #mumlife and stupid weak pelvic floor!
Then in came Miss Emmie another little lady set to become Max’s absolute world. Max had only just turned 2 when Ems was born and I was a bit concerned he would find the transition tough especially as it had been me and him solidly for two years as Daddy worked super long hours in the office. But he took to it like a duck to water and absolutely relished in the fact he had a little sister. I used to really best myself up when Emmie came along. ‘Have I played with Max enough today?’ ‘Have I listened and talked to Max enough today?’ ‘I hope I wasn’t that shouty Mum today’ The mum guilt was strong and most nights I used to cry. Looking back I get why I felt that way because it’s tough, parenting two is tough. But as they’ve grown seeing their relationship blossom has been so rewarding. They absolutely adore each other and I’m sure Max can’t even remember a time without her! Times have definitely been tough having two children close together but my god does the good out way the bad. I just feel so darn lucky.
Now bringing to now, it’s an unusually warm September evening and we’re two days away from ‘D day’ I’m sat here on my sofa with two children tucked up in bed, a glass of bubbles in hand and I’m cheering to four AMAZING years with my boy.
Today we were in the park as I have Mondays off work and I sat and watched him for a couple of minutes (which I don’t get to do often as I have a crazy two-year old) and I witnessed something that put my mind at complete rest. I saw my child go up to another and confidently say ‘Hi, what’s your name?’ To which the other child said ‘My names Jack!’ They then ran around playing tag. Kids are funny little things, much better than adults I say. No drama they just want to play, make friends and have fun! Anyway I digress, I remember thinking to myself in that very moment ‘You’ve got this son. My work here is done’
.. and for now it is (sort of) done because he’s onto the next chapter of his life. A life where he will need to be his own boss in a way and just be guided by myself and his daddy, when he needs that extra push in the right direction. I cannot wait to see how this year pans out and even though I will shed a tear once he’s gone Monday to Friday and waved gooodbye from the school gates that tear will be split into two. One half sad that my baby is all grown up and the second half a tear of joy for my grown up not so little baby who just wants to embrace every aspect of life. Congratulations darling, Mummy is so proud of you. Go and show them what you are ❤️
To all the mums with children starting school this week. Good luck I’m sure this is a lot harder on us than it is for them. To the mums who still have a year/two years etc with their little ones. Please try to enjoy every moment you have with them. Time really does fly so make as many beautiful memories together as you can. You’ll be in my shoes sooner than you expect x